Sunday, March 7, 2010

Season 1: Hooray for Homicide!

Academy Awhowhatsit? No, Sunday nights belong to Murder She Wrote. I don’t care what Mariah Carey is (or is not) wearing, and I don’t have a high tolerance for ego mongering, back slapping or pained, extended periods of clapping.


A major movie is in the works for one of Jess’s books. Bad-boy producer Jerry Lidecker (I’m a phonetic speller folks) has the ropes. He is planning a scene where, “a psychotic killer uses a flamethrower on a group of break dancers.” Honestly, no Oscar speech can top this folks, it can’t even try. So they are botching her classic, “The Corpse Danced at Midnight” and honestly, the title kind of lends itself towards the Evil Dead spectrum (by no means a bad thing). So Hollywood is in Jess’s future. She has a reputation to protect, and darn gosh it, she’s going to fight this thing with every last…

Dude, she gets the lamest lawyer, a junior member of the firm. Also, I just noticed that Jess answers the door in her robe a lot. Just a note. So the lame lawyer tells Jess she signed her rights away in her first book contract. She must have been distracted by her handsome, murderous first publisher (see The Murder of Sherlock Holmes below). But OH, before she can “apologize” for accusing Jerry of flimflamming her book (?) she finds him dead on set. Hit over the head with a heavy metal urn! It looks more like a flower pot to me.


Marta Quintessa—Costume director who sports all things romper the entire episode. It’s stunning. Anyway, she was in cahoots with Jerry before his new young thing, Eve, moved in. Did she fall into ye old, “If I cant have you” cliché?

Ross Haley—Desperate-for-a-hit director of the picture. Notes that, “suspects should form a double line” in light of Jerry’s death. Sorry, we don’t have time for that.

Eve Crystal—Flighty, silly, adulterous movie star. Color me SHOCKED. Jerry threatened to can her after uncovering her infidelities. And in MSW land, we all kill our bosses after they threaten to fire us.

Alan Gephart—Screenwriter, former alkie, fired by the murder victim the day before he croaked. Did he hit the sauce afterwards and end Jerry’s life?

Famous Actors
OMG! John Saxon from Enter the Dragon! You can keep your "Hurt Locker" because this is the best movie…





And you know what, if you don’t know what “Enter the Dragon” is. Or if the phrase, “The Forbidden Island of Han” doesn’t mean anything to you. Get off this blog. NOW.

There’s also John Astin from a few awesome things, but he definitely comes after Saxton in terms of my Guest Star Excitement Factor, otherwise known as GSEF.

80's Baby
Coral romper alert! I counted a few rompers in this, one worn by the supposed costume director. I call shenanigans.

The End?
Jess notices an elaborate gold button at the crime scene, but before she can snatch it, it disappears. Weird. She offers to help our star-struck Lieutenant Hernandez, investigating the crime. Hernandez leaves it to Jess to break the news to Jerry’s plaything, Eve Crystal. She finds Eve boozed up at Jerry’s beach house, giggling. Lucky for me, Jess doesn’t find it amusing either, and throws her in a cold shower. Dry mullet, wet mullet. After she's sobered up, Jess beaks the news. A truly Oscar-worthy grieving scene BTW.

So back on the movie set, they are rehearsing a neon cemetery dance number (very Thriller-esque). Which seems odd, because Jess has the production schedule and another scene was set to film… But before she can investigate things she gets arrested for murder. Of course Hernandez doesn’t book her. Instead, he challenges her to clear herself. Jess is supposedly banned from the lot, but apparently all she needs is a big hat and she’s in like flint. So she views the footage Jerry watched before he croaked, proof of Eve’s infidelity (it’s just kissing folks, this IS MSW…).

Jess just can’t let go of that scene change, and complements her way to seeing the original costumes, the purported reason for the change. One’s missing. Hmmmm. She tracks down original costume (a drummer outfit, I believe) in Eve’s trailer, but gets knocked down by Ross Haley. Oh look, the cops are conveniently there…and… oh look! They find the gold button on Ross Haley. Seems he was desperately trying the pin the damming evidence on Eve.

Seems and open and shut case for Lieutenant Hernandez. But Jess has some far flung medical evidence for how Eve isn’t a drinker, which I totally would have suspected because no one EVER sobers up after a “cold shower.” I mean come on. Eve was wearing the costume that night, got into a fight with Jerry over her infidelities, and lost the button during the murder. “I sure can pick ‘em” she moans to Jess. Cue Jess's sad, mournful face, and scene!


Kitten said...

What? Not a fan of pained, extended periods of clapping? I don't even know you anymore...

And the winner for Best Use of an Acronym is...(drum roll, please)...

Elsie for Guest Star Excitement Factor, otherwise known as GSEF.

Elsie said...

I think as far as GSEF's go, John Saxton might be the top of my list. You?

Kitten said...

He's up there...but I think Leslie Nielson trumps John Saxon on my list.