Saturday, April 11, 2009

Obituary for a Dead Actor

So there’s this TV show called “Scrutiny” which, I guess, is a knock off of “A Current Affair” (remember that one? Awesome). Scrutiny opens with a salacious story of a crooked art dealer, which the lead anchor, Kevin Keets, is grilling. Or attempting to grill, it’s hard when the man looks like he lost a fight with Wet n’ Wild bronzer. Apparently, as a result of the feature, he’s gotten some death threats. Despite that salacious bit of news, audience surveys of Scrutiny questions the popularity of its 3 news anchors. For the record, they are: Paula, Kevin and Nick. Paula is an old friend of Jessica’s (who isn’t), and convinces her to nudge the city council to agree on a feature of Cabot Cove. They agree, and the whole town is excited to participate. Until, that is, they set up a camera in Jessica’s flower beds. You’ve never seen the old girl move so fast. So our bronzed anchor Kevin is the flower-bed perpetrator, but quickly charms our girl during the interview. Until that is, our bumbling Sheriff Amos Tupper interrupts, noting a shady-looking character was spotted near town. Apparently, from this description Keith realizes it’s an associate of the crooked art dealer, and he gets nervous about the validity of those death threats.

So of course, Nick is blown up in a boat the next day. The very boat our Sheriff Tupper hired for him. Right after the explosion, the Sheriff notices shady art dealer hit man run off. Coincidence? He doesn’t catch him, of course, Sheriff Tupper doesn’t look like he moves past a shuffle-to-the-coffeemaker. But Kevin isn’t really dead. Recovered in the boat is one unfortunate Scrutiny producer, Doug Helman. Our suspects file out to be:

Paula Roman- Our link to Jessica. In cahoots with Kevin. Spots an unfortunate perm. Lies to Jess about flying into New York (Jess has every flight schedule in the continental US memorized, on account of her busy travel schedule…). Then she also lies about Kevin’s current whereabouts, but lies get you nowhere when you’re dealing with Jess. “You know where Kevin is don’t you?” “Yes, how did you know?”

Kevin Keets- Our Wet n’ Wild news anchor. Fakes his own death. The second or third epi that’s featured an “I’m-really-not-dead” male lead. Kevin insists he and Doug planned the assignment to Cabot Cove to interview someone about the art dealer/drug death threats, planning a disappearance at the last minute to avoid the hit man. But no one believes him, because he planned for the boat at the last minute with Doug and only Doug, so he’s put in jail.

Judith Keets- Jilted wife of Kevin, threatened him the night before he died. Tells Jessica about the audience research that had some unfavorable results of a certain anchor, though she admits she doesn’t know who.

Doug Helman- Producer of Scrutiny. Found dead on the boat. Only has 8 toes, which is how Jessica identifies him. Don’t ask.

Richard Abbot– Cold-hearted director of Scrutiny, tries to spin Doug’s unfortunate demise into a lead story. He admits that the network did test the popularity of Scrutiny, but doesn’t say who. Also has a rock solid alibi.

Nick Brody- A news institution, a bit sore to be the old boy of the Scrutiny cast of anchors.

Jessica corners Nick Brody as he’s tying his final news story. “I’m afraid you’ll have to change the ending” she quips, revealing she knows the audience surveys indicated he was the reason they were getting such low ratings. She also knows he was in the room when Doug discussed the boat-renting scheme, making him the only other person, besides our bronzed god Kevin, who knew about the plans. Apparently, that’s enough for him to confess. He wanted to ensure his place on the show by killing Kevin. The probably would have canned him anyway, but Jess is too polite to mention this.

Famous Actors
I’m sure the actor who plays Nick Brody is, but no names spring to mind.

80’s Baby!
The male/female perm is out in full force. Paula sports a particularly unfortunate example, reminding one strongly of a wet standard poodle. There are also gigantic shiny earrings, and swinging purses galore. Also some leather patchwork button-ups sported by our hip news anchor. Gaaa.

The End?
Nick asks to finish his story, and begins typing on his typewriter solemnly while Jess dials for the sheriff. Jess dials, and scene. What? No tut-tutting head nod?

1 comment:

Kitten said...

Eight toes?!!?! Loved it.